December 6, 2021 Season 2 Episode 14

Minnesota, United States: Wendy Lorenz-Walraven has nurtured a deep passion and commitment to genuinely create space where people can be seen and heard in ways that society doesn’t often give the time and space for. Accepting her own queer identity helps her show up fully now. She knows that being able to create space for all the ways in which young people identify whether you understand those identities or not, those are the access points that are really going to make a difference for a young person.

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Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

As a youth worker, if we don't take the time to process things and to be reflective on our own parts of things, then we miss out on all of the beautiful opportunities to be intentional about crafting and aligning our behavior with what our beliefs are. I think without that you miss out on gifts for yourself and for other people. Because otherwise, you can just get really caught up in doing doing doing and you miss out on the opportunities to sort of go, maybe I should just adjust a little bit here or a little bit there and can maximize the possibilities with someone.

Paul Meunier 

Hello, I'm Paul Meunier, the executive director of the Youth Intervention Programs Association, and I'm a youth worker at heart. How lucky am I? I have the privilege to meet youth workers from around the globe and learn their stories and share them with the entire world. I'm glad you're listening because together we'll learn how their life experiences shaped their youth work. As you listen, I encourage you to consider how your experiences shape what you have to offer young people. Welcome to this edition of The Passionate Youth Worker.

Paul Meunier 

Hi everybody for this episode, we're joined by Wendy Lorenz-Walraven from Minnesota in the United States. Wendy is the Interim Assistant Executive Director at the Minnesota transition Charter School. And the interim co-principal at MTS Secondary, she has a background in theater and uses her life experiences to help her in her work for the benefit of young people. She is also the trainer for two incredible YIPA trainings in our On-Demand library called An Insight Approach to Navigate Youth Trauma, and Starting and Sustaining Equity and Anti-racism Work. Check them out, I promise you'll find it'll be worth your time. And that's it for my shameless plug for your great trainings. Wendy, I just had to tell people about them because they're so good. But Wendy, thanks for being a guest on the podcast.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Thank you so much for having me. It's wonderful to be here.

Paul Meunier 

Wendy, you and I share something in common. I am the baby of the family to I am the youngest. And I know you're the youngest of seven children. So what was that like growing up with all these siblings? And how was that experience for you?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Yeah, it was really fascinating. I'm the youngest of seven. And an additional dynamic to that is that I am the only child between both of my parents. So both of my parents were married previously and had children. And so I am the only one that's actually technically related by blood to all my siblings. Well, they have sort of step-sibling relationships. And so that was an interesting dynamic to be a part of a household where my siblings were quite a bit older than I am, the youngest one closest to my age is nine years older than I am. And then my oldest brother is 19 years older than I am. And so I was sort of always around and always trying to find my place and find my way, but also was an escape for my teenage siblings that were frustrated with their parents, but wanted to hang out with their toddler have a baby sister, so felt a lot of love, but also had an opportunity to see a lot of different dynamics that are present in families that not everybody has an opportunity to see from the lens that I had. So it was a, it was an interesting and continues to be an interesting experience. As I continued to get to know my siblings on different levels. And so we had various times of living together and living apart for most of our time. So.

Paul Meunier 

Do you still see all your siblings? Do you guys get together for holidays? Or does it kind of, everybody go their own way being that they had different sets of biological parents?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Yeah, we don't actually get to see each other very often. We do try to do that. Every few years or so. I grew up in Southern California, but moved to Massachusetts with my parents when I was 13. And so at that point, all of my siblings were kind of on to their own independent lives. And so I was the only one that moved with my parents. And so for a long time, there was just again, you know, siblings kind of came back and visited when they could, and I would go out to California when I could, but I do have a sister actually, who has moved to Minnesota and then promptly moved up north into Minnesota. So she's still farther away than I would like her. But I see her probably the most. We we do what we can, but we definitely have had a lot of practice of learning how to love each other from a distance. So we do that.

Paul Meunier 

That's great. And what caused your family to move from Southern California?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

You know, it was in the middle of the 90s. And there was a lot going on in Southern California particularly we live right outside of LA and so there were lots of fires or lots of earthquakes. There were, there was a lot of turmoil going on around Rodney King and the things that were happening with police brutality. So it was it was a big time. And my parents really kind of always, my mother in particular always had this vision of sort of living in like a quaint location. I think she watched like, a movie about Vermont and high school and ever since was like New England was to be my calling. My dad was a teacher. So we had summers to travel. And so I spent a lot of time like driving around the country and kind of checking out different locations and places knowing that my parents really wanted to relocate outside of where we were, they landed on Massachusetts in New England and Western Mass and gave me an opportunity actually, to decide whether or not I wanted to move out there with them, or whether I would like them to wait until I graduated high school. And I had never moved anywhere I lived in the same house in the same place. And a bold 13. I was like, let's go. Let's do it. And that sparked a whole other journey.

Paul Meunier 

So that had to be a big change going from one coast to the other, people interact with each other differently. And the culture and the environment is different. How was that? Did you adapt quickly and easily? Or was it a little bit of a culture shock?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

It was definitely a culture shock. I grew up being where all of my schooling and friends were a very diverse group of people. And to move to a town in New England, which was really predominantly white. I quickly sort of looked around and was like, where did everybody go? And why are only white people here? I mean, fortunately, I was a, a young blonde girl from California, who made friends pretty quickly. You know, I think I've always been a fairly social person. So I did find pockets of people that were welcoming, and, what not. But, you know, I went to high school with a bunch of people who had primarily gone to school since kindergarten together. So it was also really entering into a time and space to try to find my way and my place in a very different world that I had grown up in. So definitely a culture shock, for sure.

Paul Meunier 

I bet. So your dad was a teacher? And did your mom, was she involved in some sort of education or human services or interacting with young people too? Because where did you get your such natural ability to work with young people? Where did that come from?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Yes, my mom had a daycare actually growing up from the time I was five until I graduated high school. And I was sort of constantly surrounded by six kids all under the age of two from six o'clock in the morning till six o'clock at night. The further though along that my mom got during her time having a daycare, there would be times where we would have parents that couldn't take time off, who really needed to be able to have consistency with having care for their children. And so if my mom was sick, as I got older, I would stay home and take care of the crew. And parents were engaged in that. And I just I always started, again, just sort of babysitting and taking care of children and being a part of that sort of early developmental process. And so watching my mother do that, and being active, fully participating in that process, I think, for sure had a lot to do with how I ended up.

Paul Meunier 

You had a lot of exposure to that your dad being in education, your mom doing daycare, things like that, young people were just part of your existence from your whole life. It sounds like pretty much. So it's easy to see why you've moved into the direction you have. But I know it wasn't necessarily something you started out to do. You were very involved in the theater scene, the lifestyle, you had been in plays, you had done all kinds of things. You were married to somebody who was involved in the theater as well. How did it go from this intense love for theater into youth work?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

It's interesting, because I you know, it's a little bit of sort of being in the right place at the right time. And I had an opportunity to have a job working at a privately run home for special needs individuals. And there was a particular woman there who has autism and was completely nonverbal, and was really in need of someone who could take the time to get to know her. And I jumped at the opportunity. I was young, I needed a job. But it would also really spark this deep passion and commitment that I have to genuinely try to create space where people can be heard and seen in ways that oftentimes people or society doesn't give the time and space for and so over our time and working together, we really developed a way to communicate and developed a way to really try to understand each other and to bring value to her life and be able to enhance her experience on a daily basis. And through that to another job where I then had my first job as a paraprofessional working in a high school. I was supporting triplets who were on the autism spectrum and I supported again, one of the students who was the least verbal and communicative. And through time and effort and compassion, just finding the ways in which you can communicate. For me at the time when I was really studying theatre, I was also studying like Commedia del arte de and full face mask work, which was really about communicating on stage storylines, and emotion without your voice. And so it sort of was this kind of perfect marriage of these two worlds of mine, that were really centered around human connection and finding ways to communicate across barriers that really set the stage for me for a long career in education, specifically.

Paul Meunier 

I could see how that would be so beneficial. In working with young people, we do have to sometimes, I don't know, certainly, you want to be authentic, and you want to be real with young people. But you also have to be able to put on the face. And you have to be able to be in the moment. And sometimes that takes a little bit of acting or being purposeful in what you do. And I could see how that would be a real benefit. So shifting gears a little bit, you know, just ask you some more deeper questions. So in your lifetime, what has been one of your biggest challenges you've had to face?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

That is a tough question, partly because there are a few things that really come to mind. But I think one of the things that was certainly the one of the hardest experiences that I worked through was you had mentioned that I was married to someone at the time that I was deeply involved with theater, really, truly wonderful man, in my time in our marriage came to a point where I really needed to fully accept my queer identity. And I had tried, I think, several years before just sort of trying to navigate what coming out could be like and what it looks like, and how does that fit for me, unfortunately, there's never really a good time to like, shatter people's perceptions of you. But there's certainly adding on a layer of just sort of having a person and a family and my own family, who I knew that coming out would cause a lot of harm, and a lot of repair that I wasn't sure was going to be possible. And so really deciding to own that choice and own that identity, because I couldn't continue to lie to myself anymore. Being able to own who you are, is certainly, I think one of the bravest decisions that you can make. And certainly when you know that there's deep and profound impact on others, and what some of those consequences might be. And certainly, living as my full self as a queer female leader has its consequences as well. But at least those consequences are owned by others. And I'm not doing that to myself anymore.

Paul Meunier 

As you were describing that, I was thinking how brave you are. And you did talk about it being a brave decision, because you know, it's going to be extremely difficult to do but to be fully developed as a person you have to be congruent with who you are, and what you say and what you do and how you live your life. And so many of us are afraid of that experience, of that uncomfortableness that comes along with just that sincere honesty about who you are, and what your values are, who you love. All those kinds of things are really difficult. And so I give you a ton of credit for just being so true to yourself and being so honest with yourself to do the right thing for you that will pay off certainly in the long run. But boy, it had to be really difficult in the short run. What did you learn from that whole experience about yourself? Wendy?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

I think one of the biggest lessons that I I took was, we tend to back up a little bit. My mom, certainly as someone who cared for so many people over so many years, would always say to me, you're only as good for other people as you are for yourself, the better you are, and solid in who you are, and how you treat yourself and understand yourself, the better you are to offer up the rest of you for other people. And there was a lot of cost that came from me continuing to show up with only parts of myself and cost for others but really cost for myself. I think being able to say to myself and know that even under circumstances that just seem totally impossible. And when faced with a situation where I knew would really blow up my entire world, and everything I had in it and all of the people I had in it, especially because of the time and the circumstances no at that point being married and committed to someone. Again, being able to say who I am is important enough for me to own every day and is really in the best interest of others right when I Think about the gravity of the harm that coming out potentially created. It's nothing compared to the gravity of the harm that could have happened if I waited, and continued to go down and develop a life with someone, it wasn't fair to him or me. So I think being able to say to yourself, you are enough and worthy of the most beautiful version of love as you see it and how it fits for you was a life changing experience for me and allows me to to show up fully everywhere else.

Paul Meunier 

That's a beautiful understanding of the transformation that you went through. And it really does speak to your character. And I know now you are in a relationship, you're married. And it seems like you and your wife are very happy. I know you are with your parents and things seem to be good there. So it seems like all those rough times may have had a big payoff for you.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Yes, it definitely did. My mom actually said to me the other day, because, you know, when I when I came out, it was very hard on my parents, I they didn't speak to me for at least six months. During the holidays, it was a really hard time. But now she actually said to me the other day, it's just like, I feel like you and Katie have just been together forever. It's just always been that way, right? And so being able to celebrate our love with my parents very freely and openly, they really love Katie, we'll be celebrating 11 years of marriage on Christmas Eve, because we eloped and then told all of our families. Yeah, well, you know, when you do a big to do, and it doesn't work out that I really wanted to make sure that this time around was literally about the commitment that she and I were making to each other so that we could just own that up until the moment and know that we could decide that wasn't for us if that's what we didn't want to do. And it was only us who were affected by that. So it was a beautiful opportunity to say this time around, this is really what I need and what I want and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to maintain and nurture this relationship from here on forward. So.

Paul Meunier 

Well Wendy, thank you so much for sharing that story. And for being willing to be vulnerable and to embrace life to the fullest and take chances. And it sounds like you came out on the other side of it a much better person, for it in the long run. So thank you for sharing that story. We do have to take a short break. But when we come back, I have a lot of questions to ask you about youth work and what you've learned along the way, in your experience working with young people, so we'll be right back.

Jade Schleif 

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Paul Meunier 

And we're back with Wendy Lorenz-Walraven from Minnesota. Right before the break, I was talking about diving into a little bit about what you've learned along the way about being a youth worker or being in the field of youth work. And what's one thing people should know about being a youth worker?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Being able to impact a young person is just one of the most incredible experiences that I think you can have as an individual and certainly as a youth worker, and educator. Our young people are navigating incredible circumstances, particularly now in today's world, being able to show up for a young person, being able to create space for all of the ways in which they identify whether you understand those identities or not. Those are the access points. Those are the things that are really going to make a difference for a young person and for yourself and being able to recognize that there's so much learning that can happen not just from the young person from you, but you from the young person, and in that relationship that you develop with a young person is where again, you sort of spark the potential and the possibility for what the future can be.

Paul Meunier 

It is amazing to think about when we get up in the morning and get ready for work. We're really trying to influence the life of somebody else in a positive sort of way. We're really not trying to make them be somebody we're trying to encourage them to be who they are. And there's not a lot of occupations that can say that they work with young people. And that's the purpose of being with them. And I think it is a gift. And I don't know, if that's appreciated enough what a gift it is to be able to do this work. And I don't know if you ever thought about it as a gift. Because, when I do this work, and I did direct service for many years, I felt like I learned something every day. And I don't know how many people go to work and learn something about themselves every day. And hopefully, you experience that as well.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Oh, 100% of the time. And it is a beautiful gift, right? If you can allow yourself to be open to being impacted and affected by others, whether that's young people, or just anybody that you're connecting with. That's where the beauty lies and the magic interpersonal relations is and so being able to, to recognize that there is so much value that a young person is bringing to the table. And that it's what you to create together that really can pave a path that wasn't there before for a young person, can make a path clear for a young person who's looking and still trying to figure that out. And we really are in positions to put up barriers or to knock them down. And to really be intentional about making the choices about how you're showing up for people is important.

Paul Meunier 

You started off as a paraprofessional, you worked your way up, you got more education, you had a master's in social work, and then now you're going after higher education in the education realm of things. So you've obviously learned a lot along the way you've proven yourself over and over again. And by the way, you're an exceptional trainer. That's why I talked about those trainings. He's we've had other trainers on but I didn't call them  out, people should check out your trainings.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Thank you.

Paul Meunier 

So now you've been in the field for a while. What's one thing you know now, that you wish you would have known when you're first started out?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

That's a great question.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

We are set up a lot in society, and particularly in education around a product and around sort of like, what are you going to do? And how are you going to measure it? And how are you going to know that you're successful. And I think that there's so much that comes out of just being able to see things over a span of time. And as a youth worker, you don't have necessarily the guaranteed longevity of time in that relationship with someone, right. And so I think being able to recognize that no matter whether it's one conversation, or 12 conversations, or 50 conversations, there is so much value in each of those moments, if you can find meaning in them, and you can bring your whole self into those spaces. And so, I used to get, I think little worked up around, like working with a young person, particularly in person who's in crisis, or just trying to figure out like, how do I know that this person's going to be okay, how do I make some of these things that are ambiguous or unknown concrete, and being able to let go of some of that and to just have sort of more faith in knowing that if I show up well, and as my whole self and create the maximum amount of space, then whatever happens in that time, is what's supposed to happen. And hopefully, that will be something meaningful in the future. But being able to let go of a lot of what you actually have zero control over. Or you know, and I think certainly my clinical social work training has helped me give people space for that self determination, and really being able to let young people make their own decisions, even when it's the opposite of what you're suggesting they might do. And just know that that's all part of the process, you aren't successful only if the young person is following your guidance, right, that successful impact sometimes comes much later,

Paul Meunier 

You talked about being able to think on your feet, and to live in the moment with a young person and not be prescribed in terms of what you need to say or how you need to behave. And that's a lesson that experienced youth workers really understand, is that there is a little bit of a give and take with young people and you can't predict what it's going to be like and if you're unable to live in that moment. And to bring your most, the way you describe it kind of, whole self to that work, you're really going to struggle building those relationships and developing that trust. So you do have to be very insightful about who you are. And your confidence level in being able to handle any situation that comes because there is no textbook that says hope if a young person does this, then you do that. There can be 500 different things you do if a young person does that it all depends on your relationship, given in the moment, all the all these variables that come into play. I know you work very hard at reflective practice. Can you talk about what elective practice is and why it's so important to you.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

You know I think, again, that when you are living in our very fast paced world, and especially in the world of education, when you are constantly feeling like you are building a ship, while also being asked to sail it at the same time, that it's really easy to just continue to get into the flow and days disappear. And time goes by. But without being able to take a moment to pause to be intentional about, thinking about what happened yesterday, right? I do my reflective practice in the mornings when my brain is the most clear and rested and could get rid of all the stuff I didn't need to keep in my brain from yesterday and can be more thoughtful about, again, just sort of like, how did I show up? How did my interactions go? Am I starting to see some of the progress that I'm hoping to see in places are all gauges for how I am looking at my work and my responses and how I show up for people. And I think that it's a very important practice, certainly for a leader to be able to do for themselves, but also the youth worker. If we don't take the time to process things and to be reflective on our own parts of things, then we miss out on all of the beautiful opportunities to be intentional about crafting and aligning our behavior with what our beliefs are, I think without that you miss out on gifts for yourself and for other people. Because otherwise, you can just get really caught up in doing doing and you miss out on the opportunities to sort of go, maybe I should just adjust a little bit here or a little bit there and can maximize the possibilities with someone.

Paul Meunier 

It's really insightful. Your reflective practice you'd like to do in the morning? Is this something you do just as you're getting ready, taking a shower, getting dressed making the bed? Or is it literally, do you sit down, find a quiet space and try to ignore the distractions and be real intentional about it? How do you go about reflective practice?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

I'm very intentional in trying to create some space and time for it, I do a lot of reflecting with my wife in the mornings, we get up quite early, we get up in the five o'clock hour, we also have three dogs that apparently can tell time and know exactly when to get up to you know to eat. It's important to us, like I spent a lot of time especially like in my 20s like, barely getting ready and getting out on time and was perpetually late to places. And so my, my wife has a very different relationship with time. And that's gotten me to really understand the beauty of being able to ease into your day and really show up in places ready and ready to begin. And that has been a big shift for me. And so we spend our mornings over coffee just connecting with each other talking a little bit about sort of what might come ahead, some of that I just do on my own and just sort of the quiet, you know, I need some quiet, sometimes I talk to myself, if I have some alone time just to get some words out. I'm a verbal processor. So it's helpful to do that. But, and then sometimes I reflect all day long, but really just trying to carve out a moment to be quiet to not be looking at my phones or my emails or anything like that. And just, you know, checking in with with myself about how things are going. Because again, it really starts with me. And if I'm off balance or not in a good space, and that's going to deeply impact the way I show up for others.

Paul Meunier 

I do believe that that is the future of how we need to look at youth work or any human services industry, in general, because you cannot separate you from your work. And so you have to be prepared, you have to be mentally ready and emotionally prepared to enter that space when you start working with other people and trying to support their visions and support their their dreams and help them through some of their tough situations. So you are just a model for what I think is going to be common someday, or at least I hope it's going to be common someday, when we quit separating the youth worker from youth work and just say you are youth work, you are the thing that you bring to your job. You can have a beautiful building all the funding in the world. But if you're not present and not connecting and building relationships, it's going to be really tough. So I am just grateful that you're doing what you do and keep going. Who knows where you're going to end up? You are on such as trajectory of going upward and the fun for me to watch you and to see what you do going forward. So thanks for being a guest again.

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. It's really been fun.

Paul Meunier 

It has been fun. And before we go I like to ask every guest the same question so that you can close out your episode. What words of wisdom or inspiration would you like to leave with our listeners?

Wendy Lorenz-Walraven 

I think it's connected to some of what I've already said, but the biggest piece I have is that you may never see the full impact of your work. But know that every moment matters and holds power long after that moment passes. The words that we say to a young person may be the very thing they need to hear some other time in their life other than when we say them. And to remember that words have power. Connection has power, and our interactions are what really power the transformation that we seek.

Paul Meunier 

If you would like to share your passion for youth work, we'd love to spotlight you as a guest. If you have feedback about the show, please let us know. Just visit training.yipa.org. That's training.yipa.org and click on the podcast tab. This podcast is made possible in part due to a generous contribution from M Health Fairview. I'm your host Paul Meunier. Thanks for listening to The Passionate Youth Worker.