Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

When I was growing up, we used to have these things that my parents will have us do called the daily learning log. And in that was our journal entries. And we always were taught to think, learn, reflect about our day. So, I was somewhat classical conditioned to be what I am. I just think that it just all tied into now.

Paul Meunier 

Hello, I'm Paul Meunier, the executive director of the Youth Intervention Programs Association. And I'm a youth worker at heart. How lucky am I, I have the privilege to meet youth workers from around the globe and learn their stories and share them with the entire world. I'm glad you're listening because together we'll learn how their life experiences shaped their youth work. As you listen, I encourage you to consider how your experiences shape what you have to offer young people. Welcome to this edition of The Passionate Youth Worker. Hi, everybody, for this episode, we're joined by Khalilah Horton-Spencer from Tennessee in the United States. She is an English as a Second Language specialist. And the founder of Choosing Higher Options Individually Creates Empowerment. The acronym is CHOICE. And that's a nonprofit with a mission to serve middle school and teen girls by promoting social and emotional health. Khalilah, it's so great to have you as a guest on the podcast. Thanks for being here.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Thank you for having me.

Paul Meunier 

Well, it's wonderful to have you and I'm so eager to learn more about you. And the little bit I've gotten to know you, I can tell right away that if something has your attention, you give everything that you have into it. How did you develop such a strong passion and drive for things that really mean a lot to you?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Probably because of my upbringing. I just always was taught that if you put your hands in any type of work that you do, you autograph your work with excellence. So, if you take the time to nurture something, or to birth something, you want to make sure that you are committed to it and do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Paul Meunier 

Wonderful lessons from your parents. Did they both think that way or was it your mother or father that was so driven to kind of make sure that everything you touch gets better? Or where did that come from, in particular?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I must say, both, equally. They were both driven in that way. And they just passed it on to us growing up. It was just a part of our family mission to make sure that you are devoting time and you've given it your all if your name is going to be involved on a project or a task, or whatever the case may be.

Paul Meunier 

That's a wonderful trait to have. And have you been doing that all your life? I know you do it now. You started an organization, you're just passionate about so many things, you're active in so many things. From a very early age were you like that? I mean, going back to like, say, middle school and high school, were you always trying to dive deep into things even back then?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Yes. I'm told that I came here like that. If you understand what that means, from my parents and grandparents. They say you just came here with that go-getter spirit. Being a risk-taker. In middle school, I had more than one business, if you will, at the school where I sell candy. I saved cans. I sold all sorts of things. So, I was always thinking about the next thing that I can do. Right? And so it just carried on from there.

Paul Meunier 

And that's something that still lives with you today because you've done so much and it seems like that was a trait that started very early in your world. And I'm wondering do you ever find that to be a burden? Are you always like, is your plate always full, is your calendar always filled up? Is that exhausting sometimes?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Um, I do allow time for self-care. And the breaks for me since I am a specialist comes within the school year. So, when we're off like for fall break, which is like a week in October, then we have Thanksgiving, which is a week. Christmas, two weeks. I take advantage of the breaks and I allow myself to have a mental break as well. Because I believe that in order to deposit into someone you have to also rest yourself when you are the one that's doing most of the depositing. Oh, I had to learn that.

Paul Meunier 

What do you mean by depositing?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

When you think about your bank account, when you go to your financial institution, you make a deposit, that means you're putting money in. So, it's growing, right? Or you hope that it will grow. And so, with that being said, I take that same concept in anything that I do, whether it's working with my students, or my nonprofit members. I believe in depositing into them good things, things like conflict resolution, you know, character development, leadership, mindfulness meditation. So, that's what I mean by depositing into them. And I like to see the return that I get.

Paul Meunier 

It's interesting, you kind of take an entrepreneurial approach to that. The language you're using about deposits and return on investment. You must have a little bit of entrepreneurial spirit in you I bet.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer  

I do. Going back to middle school, when I used to sell candy, a really, really funny story. My uncle used to be a manager at McDonald's. And you know, at the end of the night, they could not retain the food that was left from the shift. So, we were his nieces, he knew we loved McDonald's, so he would bring it home, right. And one day, I was in the cafeteria in middle school, and I brought me some McDonald's. And so, we ate on first lunch. And so, my food was still warm in my locker because I had it in the container to keep it warm. And since we ate so early, you know, my food was still really, really good. And so, in the cafeteria, as I was eating, a lot of my friends, they will come and say, Where did you get that McDonald's? Who took you to McDonald's, Khalilah? And I was like, no one. I brought it from home, you know? And from that point on, they were like, Can you bring me some tomorrow? I'll pay you $1 you know, I'll pay you $2. And then I started thinking, hey, I do have extra food at home, because we had all this food. And so that was my first business at the school until the administration found out and they told me Hey, Khalilah, you cannot be selling McDonald's. What if the people get sick? Then what happens? And I said, Well, I guess McDonald's will have a lawsuit, because this is not my food. So yeah, that is where it all started in middle school for me. And so, I had to move from there and go into the candy business.

Paul Meunier 

Yeah. Well, that's great. And so that kind of entrepreneurial spirit or this ability to see a gap or willingness to dive in and give things a try regardless if you might succeed or fail, is something that you must have brought with you when you started CHOICE, a nonprofit for young girls. Can you talk a little bit about why you decided to start that organization? What was the gap? Why did you want to do that?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I felt that I was so blessed to have the parents that I had, my church family, and mentors that were able to guide me down the University of Life, right? Nothing kicks harder than life. And it's so important to have that support system. And when I entered into the field of education, I saw so many gaps in our girls, as well as our boys, that was not being met. And so, I decided to start CHOICE. I decided to start this grassroots foundation to help bridge that gap so that girls will know that first of all their dreams are valid. Secondly, that they matter. And the most important thing for me was to teach conflict resolution skills. So, when they're faced with prolonged or sudden trauma. And that was important for me.

Paul Meunier 

Are you nervous that it might not work? I know it's relatively new, or are you full of confidence and in your ability to solve whatever problems might come? Most people won't step out of their comfort zone and start a new organization. That's why I'm asking what is your comfort level, are you have a high risk tolerance?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I must say, I do have a high risk tolerance. But it does not mean that I don't have the fear factor. I believe you can have faith but just because you have faith does not mean that there's an absence of fear. And so with that being said, I have to realize that with all things, new things, it takes time. And I just believe that we learn more from our failures than our successes. It can get overwhelming at times when people say they want to show up and they don't. But then you have to still move on and save faith. And so that's where I dig deep. And I say, hey, Khalilah you just got to do what needs to be done whatever it takes.

Paul Meunier 

Well, that's great that you got so much passion and so much willingness to take a chance like that, because I bet you, the young girls in that program are really going to benefit from it. And they probably already have, the ones that have been through that program. So, I know you talked a little bit about your faith and the upbringing that your parents taught you. Does faith play a part in your work?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Absolutely. 100%. Faith plays a very important part, in our approach and helping the girls that we serve. Nonprofit work is really hard work, right?

Paul Meunier 

Yes.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Being a youth worker, being an educator, it takes an innate ability to be able to remember that obstacles will come. Right. But it's how you move forward. You can't stay stuck. So, although yes, I've had many disappointments, I allow my time, the three days to vent, to be disappointed. And then I pick myself back up on the third day. And so that's a part of the faith for me. And it works. It just works for me. It's the formula I've been using for the past 11 years with CHOICE. Yeah.

Paul Meunier 

Oh, has CHOICE been around for 11 years?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Mhmm, yeah.

Paul Meunier 

Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry. I thought it was relatively new.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Well, it yeah, it is very new. We haven't been around 20-plus years. It's still relatively new, because like I said, it is grassroots. So, we do a lot of self-funding, and fundraising in terms of capacity building. So, that's why I say when I think about CHOICE, yes, we're still new, because we're trying to still build the capacity base to reach more girls that we know will benefit from the services that we offer.

Paul Meunier 

And you also told me about your big event that you got going on where you were contacted and people want to use your program to highlight some things about helping support young women. Can you talk a little bit about that because I know that's a big boost for your program and a super empowering thing for the young people that you work with?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Right, absolutely. We were honored to receive an invite from the Women Lawyers division, a part of the National Bar Association. This is their 50th annual convention that will be held here in Memphis, Tennessee, downtown. And we were contacted, they wanted to host 15 of our girls. And at the conference, they will be mentored by lawyers and judges. And the title of the conference is Respect Yourself. So, we're looking forward to that because once again, it takes a village right, to raise children. And I just believe that this type of event will last their lifetime to be in an arena with African American judges and lawyers, people that look like them. And they can realize that their dreams are real, and that they can reach them.

Paul Meunier 

That is so great. I can't imagine how that's going to reframe things for the young people you work with to open up their dreams and realize that this potential is there for them. Khalilah, did you have a point when you were growing up that said, I want to work with young people? Or was it just a gradual kind of evolution to where you got to this point? How did you get to where you are today?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I must say, it was like a more of a gradual evolution. But I think back to being a young girl. I do not remember saying you know, I wanted to have a nonprofit foundation. There were other things that I also wanted to do, which was fine. But as I grew into the field of educating students, I saw the gap, I saw the need, I saw the lackluster support that the youth were not receiving, and they need it. And especially with the pandemic of COVID, their anxiety levels just heightened. Not knowing how to deal with conflict just rose in terms of fights and things of that nature. It started for me in undergraduate school in education, and I said, Hey, I can make a difference, because everybody can do something and everybody can serve. So, that was important.

Paul Meunier 

Yeah, well, you certainly are. And it's great that you started your work and then you realized a need and you just kind of walked right into that and tried to fill that vacuum and make the world a better place. I'm so glad that you did that. Khalilah, I can't believe we're almost halfway through our interview already. So, we need to take a short break. But when we come back, I want to talk to you a little bit more about your beliefs and understandings about youth work and how you can bring yourself into that field. So, we'll be right back after this short break.

Jade Schleif 

No matter how you support our young people, The Professional Youth Worker powered by YIPA has your training and learning needs covered. Visit training.yipa.org. That's training.yipa.org to see for yourself, and then join the 1000s of youth workers around the globe who learn from our easy-to-access exceptional trainings. From our blogs to our podcast, The Professional Youth Worker is your go-to resource for tools to help you keep going, keep learning, and keep growing. Members enjoy free unlimited access to Live Online and On- Demand trainings, and a preferred discount pricing for our one-of-a-kind certificate course. Annual memberships are ridiculously affordable for individuals and organizations. Visit training.yipa.org today to learn more. That's training.yipa.org.

Paul Meunier 

Khalilah, right before the break I mentioned I'd like to shift to talking more about your direct service with young people. And I'd like to ask you, is there anything that you've learned about yourself by being a youth worker? I know kids sometimes don't let us walk around the edges, they talk very directly to us. And they expect us to be authentic all the time. What have you learned about being about yourself by being a youth worker?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I think the most important thing that I've learned about myself, it is necessary for us to be transparent with them as much as possible, because they can tell when you're authentic and when you're not. And I believe that when I allow myself to share with them some of the experiences that I had growing up, it allows them to relate to me as a person, and not so much as just an educator or youth leader. They see a person that hurts, cries, and hopes for better as well.

Paul Meunier 

So, being transparent is really important. Do you talk to them about some of your fears and hopes and dreams and obstacles? Or how do you go about being transparent? What does that mean to you, Khalilah?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Just all of that, all of what you just said. To just share, share out. You know, being in the moment with them. I believe it's important to be present in the moment. I believe it's important for me to be open with them. Because when they see that, they begin to unpack. And when I say unpack, they begin to release and share things that they probably wouldn't necessarily share with anyone else. But they know that this is a no judgment zone, it is a safe place. And we can think through the challenges together.

Paul Meunier 

Yeah, that's a great approach. Do you ever find it difficult to be transparent? Some days you just I don't I don't know. I can think back to myself and I think some days I'm more guarded. For whatever reason, I don't know. But do you ever have problems with that? Are you able to always just kind of put yourself out there and be real and honest with the people?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

In the beginning of doing this work, absolutely. I had a problem with being transparent because I'm a very private person. I was a little bit more guarded in the beginning of starting this work. And I realized that after just you know, observing the group or observing our empowerment sessions, I realized we could dive deep and it could be more sustainable for them if I shared out more. Now, I naturally choose what I'm going to share because they are children. So, it is developmentally appropriate of what I'm sharing at the time, in terms of the ages and stages of where they are. So, that is the most important thing first. When I'm able to reflect, think, learn, reflect with them. And they're like, Wow, you went through that? And then we're bridging the gap of them being open and able to share.

Paul Meunier 

That's great that you recognize that you have grown and that you needed to grow. And I think that comes from self-reflection or self-analysis. Being honest with yourself about what your strengths and your weaknesses are. Would you say even though you're kind of a private person, are you pretty self-reflective?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Absolutely. When I was growing up, we used to have these things that my parents will have us do called the daily learning log. And in that was our journal entries. And we always were taught to think, learn, reflect about our day. So, I was somewhat classical conditioned to be what I am. Right? I just think that it just all ties into now.

Paul Meunier 

That's really cool. So, your family, would they literally, would you guys sit down and journal together? Or was it just an expectation that everybody kept their own journal?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

It was an expectation, and everyone kept their own journal. And it was a private account. So, we were all wherever in the room downstairs, upstairs, you know, outside. It was a private account for us to be able to think about the day. What did we learn from the day, and what was our reflection about any obstacles that we may have faced within that day. And then we will come together, my parents will just choose a random day. And we will just begin to talk about some of the things that we wrote in our journal. And it allowed for us to share. And I believe that that's why I'm I am transparent when I'm teaching. I am transparent when I'm working with my foundation. Because of that foundation growing up with my family.

Paul Meunier 

That's a great thing for your parents to do. Look at the lesson that they set for you. You're still doing that every day, it seems like whether you're writing it down or not, you've just got that mindset. Khalilah, I have a daughter with special needs. And she sometimes has a hard time being self-reflective. So, what we're doing as a family, we started it and we've committed to a year. Every day, we have a question of the day. And the question of the day is like, what made you angry today? Or what are you proud of that you did? Or whatever that might be. And we're trying to do the exact same thing your parents did because it's a wonderful exercise. Do you ever bring that literally that exercise into your work or is it just more metaphorically that you kind of work with young people in that way?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

We have an empowerment quote at the end of our empowerment session, in which we all recite together. We all have CHOICE leaders. And I will choose one of the CHOICE leaders to come before the group that's a part of our leadership push, and the girls who will stand up, and we will recite the empowerment session quote. And after we recite, I give them time to reflect upon the quote. And I ask them to summarize what the quote means to them. And it also gives them the ability to be able to think on their feet like improv. If you're in acting, you have to be able to think on your feet at any given moment. And it allows me to observe how their comprehensive input is about the quote, and then their comprehensive outputs, how they communicated back to me in terms of how it means to them.

Paul Meunier 

Great thing to do. I've always thought the best youth workers were the ones that could, I don't know, inspire other people or get them to feel empowered. What are some of the empowerment kind of quotes that you guys talk about?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer  

Oh, wow, there are so many. When you learn teach, is a huge one that I you know, stand by. Because anytime you learn something and you perfect your craft, you should want to teach others so they can perfect their craft. Another quote is, when you become wise, you start separating your friends. Many of your so-called friends who liked you yesterday, won't like you today, once you become wise. Think about it. With peer pressure in the schools and in the communities it's important for them to choose higher options individually, so they can create their own empowerment. This is where CHOICE came from. They need to know the power of a choice and the power of choosing individually. And I think that that is important with the empowerment session quotes, going forward with the girls.

Paul Meunier 

Great way to send them off at the end of your time with them right and give them some positive in their cognitions to walk away with. What a great thing. I also think another thing that makes a great youth worker is the ability to get something back from young people. We all love to give. And I think that's what kind of defines youth workers, we sometimes are more happy when other people succeed, and we're less concerned about ourselves. But we also get and learn from young people, I think, and those are the people that seem to really excel in this field. What are some things that you have received? What kind of gifts have you - not I don't I mean physical gifts - but what kind of character traits or outlooks on life have you received from young people that you consider, I think, really fundamental to who you are, or what you've learned, or how you handle your life?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I must say, this was something recent. It's funny that you asked this question. Another colleague, it was during dismissal, he approached me, he said Miss Spencer, I wanted to share some things with you about your CHOICE girls, and I was like, Oh, okay. He said, they feel that you can solve anything. I was like what? He said, anytime something happens, they say immediately, Go get Miss Spencer! go get Miss Spencer!  She'll know what to do! she'll know what to do! That just blew me away that the work that we are doing is working. Right? They really think that I can solve anything. And I think that that is the highest compliment of the work is that they think that, yeah.

Paul Meunier 

Wow. So, you know that you're having an impact on them, if they come to you for those kinds of things, and look for you to solve their problems. That's got to feel very rewarding.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Yeah, it does. The conflict resolution model that we use is to, I allow them to do most of the talking and I'm just there guiding their thoughts. I acknowledge how they feel in the beginning. You know, they're upset. And then we do the cooling off period, followed by I messages - I feel this way when... Then we brainstorm solutions. And I ask, Do you mind if I offer a suggestion? And then we think, affirm, forgive, and move on. So, it's not so much as me telling them what to do.

Paul Meunier 

Yeah.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

It's me guiding them.

Paul Meunier 

Yeah, you are a guide, or you're a coach, support person. You're all those things. It's been just really cool getting to understand you and learn about your work. And what you do. I'm wondering, do you have a life motto, some sort of statement or philosophy that you live by?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Whatever you do, do it with all your heart.

Paul Meunier 

I can see that. And that kind of goes full circle to when I opened your episode when I was talking about, I could tell when you pay attention to something, you really dive into it. Your motto there just really summarizes it very well.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I just believe in holding myself to that standard. I always want to treat people the way I would want to be treated in the situation. So, for me, that is my charter agreement with myself. And if I cannot do it with all my heart, then I will respectfully remove myself from the project. Because I'm not going to half-heart anything, if you will.

Paul Meunier 

What a wonderful approach and no wonder you have such a passion for helping other people and are successful at it and have started the organization CHOICE and had it running for 11 years. And your commitment to other people is just astounding. And I am so grateful for the work that you do. And I am so hopeful that you will continue and continue to grow CHOICE and to empower young people to know that they can do anything that they want to do as long as they believe in themselves. And you're just a perfect role model for that. You don't just say that, you've kind of walked the walk and I'm sure that they see that in you. So, thank you for being a guest on the podcast and thanks for everything that you do.

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

Thank you so much for having me. I really do appreciate your time.

Paul Meunier 

You bet. Khalilah, before we go, what words of wisdom or inspiration would you like to leave with the listeners?

Khalilah Horton-Spencer 

I think the most important thing that anyone can do is to always invite kindness into your situation and conversations. You never know what someone is going through. And you never know that if that kind word will give them the support they need to continue. So, it's always important to invite kindness anytime you can into your situations or conversations.

Paul Meunier 

If you would like to share your passion for youth work, we'd love to spotlight you as a guest. If you have feedback about the show, please let us know. Just visit training.yipa.org. That's training.yipa.org and click on the podcast tab. This podcast is made possible in part due to a generous contribution from M Health Fairview. I'm your host, Paul Meunier. Thanks for listening to The Passionate Youth Worker.